There’s no other way to say this: dreaming of an ex is traumatizing. I remember back in the day I used to talk a lot about dreams, interpreting them and trying to figure out what they symbolize with my ex. And here I am, years later, finding myself recalling a series of dreams about that same ex.
I don’t like this feeling at all. I’d be lying if I said this is somehow interesting. Reading about dream interpretations from psychologists to spiritual mediums, I am not in the least entertained by what these dreams mean in terms of my subconscious or my wrestling with some internal unresolved feelings. If any of these wild ideas ring true in the remotest way, I am none the better for it.
I supposed I should mention what some of these dreams were about. The most recent one took place in a multi-story house. There was a long hallway with a red floor at the bottom level. I climbed up a series of stairs and there was a hallway with bedrooms with their doors open. In the doorway of one of the rooms stood my ex and her new husband. They were embracing each other, kissing passionately and in their laughter, they tumbled onto the bed. They were frolicking and laughing. I turned away and decided to jump down the stairs — from one level to the next — to get as far away from them as I could in the least amount of time.
At the foot of the stairs I came upon a colleague who was about to head up the stairs, but I stopped her. She was puzzled as to why I didn’t want her to proceed upstairs. I insisted there were people up there and they needed their privacy. I couldn’t stop her from continuing up.
I woke up at my normal time. My wife comes into the kitchen, hunting her cup of coffee and she could tell something was bothering me. I was a little jumpy and I attributed my discombobulated morning routine to a rough night’s sleep. “Demons chasing you again?” She asked. “Something like that,” I replied.
In another dream, there really were demons chasing after me. But running in front of me was my ex. So, perhaps they were chasing after her, but I was caught in the middle of the chase. And no matter which way I changed course, my ex remained running in front of me. I tried to slow down so the demons would either catch her or I could just get into an old fashioned street brawl with them, but no matter how much I slowed down, everyone else was moving slower, too.
And the dreams go on and on. Lately, they’ve been getting weirder and they irritate me because I have no feelings for my ex, no guilt, no curiosity about where she is or how she is. If I was curious in the least, all I would have to do is Facebook or whatever and there she would be. It isn’t hard to find her. But the God’s honest truth is, I have zero interest in knowing anything about this person anymore. Yet, there she is. In my dreams. And there’s little I can do to get rid of her.
Years ago, things were very different. The connection was powerful. We were spiritual creatures that capered in each other’s souls under a marquee of pure fantasy. But we were hardly innocent. And as passionately fueled as we were, there was no escaping the truth. We were fire and ice on a collision course that neither of us knew we were headed to. And like a rocket exploding seconds after liftoff, we obliterated the sky with bursts of embers in all directions. It ended as quickly as it began, and just as dramatic.
But that was years ago. A lot has happened since then. Why now? Why her? I scratch my head pondering the possibilities. Is it me? Am I just too selfish and egotistical to admit there is something unresolved? The rational side of me always counters with “even if there was, who the hell cares?” This whole thing feels silly, as dreams often makes us feel. They’re just crazy thoughts. They mean nothing in the end. That’s what I like to think anyway.
But I didn’t always think that. Dreams have always meant something to me. Subliminal stimulus. A raging truth just underneath the surface of our consciousness. Beasts and wizards lurking in the darkness of our minds. A ferocious, untamed, relentless chasm just beyond the grasp of our rational, logically grounded minds. Dreams are always trying to tell us something. Throughout history, some titans of of the world have had some bizarre coincidences tied to dreams. Ideas that changed the world, messages that altered lives, concepts that forged incredible tales. Dreams have changed everything.
But dreams involving my ex are nothing fantastic. They make me suffer because they ultimately drain that old relationship of the little value it still holds in my memory. With every new dream, I become more desperate to extinguish it. And it never used to be so.
I simply hope whatever conjures these images will be resolved sooner rather than later. Perhaps this will happen as transcendentally as the sudden flood of dreams themselves. But no matter when it subsides, I want the dream gods to know I am not wishing for it all to fade. I just don’t want to be steered using that ex. Unless the point is to keep me riled. If that’s the reason, then I don’t blame you using that play over and over again.